Hot Stuff
by quadruped
Summary: Oneshot about the Brotherhood trying to deal with their endless boredom.


Disclaimer: I do not own X-men: Evolution.

"Man, there's nothin' to do." Todd said from his position on the couch.

"We could go into town on the sub-" Pietro cut himself off before the rest of the brotherhood used him as target practice again.

"BORING!" Fred made his feelings known in the most terse way possible.

The sound of the jeep pulling up outside made the boys look outside.

"Lance is back yo!. Maybe he has some ideas."

The door opened and the walking natural disaster proclaimed his return to the inhabitants of the domain he chose to reside in.

"I'M HOME!" After said proclamation was completed, he marched into the living room to find everyone. "Gentleman, and I use that term loosely, I have returned, with twenty gallons of milk." Pietro perked up, realizing the intent. "Can anyone tell me why we would need twenty gallons of milk?" Pietro's hand shot up, as Todd and Fred stared at him vacantly. "Anyone? Anyone at all?" Pietro's cries of "Pick me!" were ignored. "Well then, I'll tell you."

Wanda stomped down the stairs. "What are you idiots doing?"

Lance turned to her. "Ah, Wanda. Glad that you could join us. I have just returned with twenty gallons of milk. Do you know what that means?" She gave him a confused look, as she was probably wondering why anyone would need that much milk. "Well, let me tell you. I have managed to procure-"

"INFERNAL DIABLO'S FIRE BOMBS!" Everybody turned to Pietro as he shouted it out as loud as he could, no longer able to keep it in. Lance let out a cry of outrage.

"I WANTED TO SAY IT!" His shout seemed to shake the house, but everybody knew it was actually the beginnings of a lovely ten point oh on the Richter scale.

"Well, you were taking too long!"

"It's called setting the scene!"

"I don't care what it's called, but you were taking too long!" Lance opened his mouth to retort but Wanda chose to enter the argument at that point.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" She took a calming breath. "Now, what are these...bomb thingys?"

Todd answered her. "Only the most dangerous snack food ever invented! They're like a nuclear explosion made into pure flavor." His eyes glazed over as he started to drool about the snack. Wanda gave him a skeptical look.

"It's true. It's illegal to even have an open bag on the property in fourteen states." Fred added. "You have to sign an insurance waiver whenever you buy them." Everybody looked at Lance.

"How did you get any?" Pietro asked.

"That's not important. Just go get one of those toxic waste suits so we can open the bag up." Lance replied. Pietro disappeared to be replaced by a gust of wind. "Now, who's in? Wanda?" Fred and Todd both nodded eagerly. Wanda looked at him like he was an idiot.

"Why would I do this? It's completely moronic. I'm going upstairs." She turned and went upstairs, just like she said she would.

"You don't know what you're missing." Fred called out tantalizingly.

"I don't care!" She retorted over her shoulder.

Pietro reappeared at the front door in a hazmat suit, trailed by countless scraps of paper and several toupees. "You guys ready yet?" his voice coming out as a crackle over the suit's speaker system.

They all went outside and unloaded the milk from Lance's jeep. After setting them up in four groups of five, unscrewing the caps, and setting the jugs around each mutant's chosen spot to eat everything was ready.

"Okay, where are the weeds worst at?" Lance asked. Everybody looked at him strangely. "What? I figure that if we're gonna do this, we might as well kill a few weeds as well." Everyone nodded and went to the backyard. Pietro trudged through knee high grass and weeds to get to the very center of the yard. Everyone else stayed nearly twenty feet upwind of him.

"Ready?" They nodded.

He turned and carefully held the bag in his hands. Then, he quickly ripped it open, let it fall to the ground, and raced back to the other guys, shedding the suit as he went. Looking back at where the bag lay, a light almost invisible green dust was floating in the air. It floated downward slowly, and was blown away from the Brotherhood house thanks to the favorable wind. Any living plant touched by the dust instantly turned brown and died, resulting in a brown swathe slowly growing away from the house. The bag lay harmlessly in the middle of a cleared dead yard. Fred went to it, grabbed it, and everyone went back out front.

The brotherhood took their appointed positions, each near a group of milk gallons. Fred went to each one, carefully depositing a a dark green ball the size of a quarter in everyone's hands, before setting the bag on Lance's jeep and taking one for himself back to his own spot.

"Okay. If anyone doesn't want to do this, do it now. No one will think any less of you." Lance stated in his "leader" voice. No one moved. "Alright then. On three okay? One. Two." He tried to ignore the crows gathering overhead. "Three!" Each of the boys threw the ball into their mouth, and then rapidly chewed and swallowed. Results were instant.

Todd let out a whoop loud enough to be heard at the X-mansion three miles away. Jumping twenty feet straight into the air, he landed with his mouth around a gallon of milk and quickly began hopping spastically trying to get the precious liquid into his digestive system.

Pietro disappeared, only visible due to the chunks of earth flying at several hundred miles per hour being torn out of the ground giving away his location. An eerie wail was sounding was made as sound waves were mocked in their attempts to catch him. He had downed one gallon as fast as the absurdly slow gravity had let him.

Fred was over laying flat on his back, foam coming from his mouth, as he twitched randomly.

Lance was alternating between throwing up and guzzling milk. Tears were coming from his eyes, as he tried to shed his clothes.

"IT BURNS!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"OH GOD WHY! WHY!"

"Gurgle"

Todd was hanging from the side of the house, accidentally having caught his shirt on a loose nail. He was stuck and far, far away from his precious white liquid. Sweat poured off of his body as he desperately tried to either rip his shirt free or pull the nail loose.

Fred had managed to regain consciousness and had quickly poured his five allotted gallons down his throat.

A small diner in the middle of Bayville had been ransacked in an instant by an albino rapidly pouring every liquid inside into his mouth, including pickle juice, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, bacon grease, all of the soda in the store, coffee, and water. Any milk in the store disappeared instantly, and he was currently devouring a mix of the drinks and ice cream that he had found.

Lance was eating dirt.

Eventually, some twenty minutes later, it all slowed down. The boys all lay in the front yard, which resembled the badlands, surrounded by empty milk jugs, all passed out. Wanda came out from her room when the noise had stopped, intent on punishing someone. A half empty gallon of milk had been slammed into her window partway through the madness, followed by dirt clods slamming into it, leaving the window a mix of white and brown that she couldn't see out of. Seeing all the boys passed out, she couldn't help but "humph" at how pathetic they were. Surely those bomb things weren't as bad as they had said. Seeing the bag over on Lance's jeep, she poured a couple into her hand, and, ignoring the burning sensation it felt, threw them all into her mouth.

Like it? Hate it? Remember to review and let me know what I could have done better or differently!


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